Anorexia Nervosa Revisited -
More than two and a half score years
since elapsed incipient onslaught of slow suicide
by starvation to death.
Though more than four and a half decades
transpired since mine psychic state plunged into
abysmal depth of despair, the nearly invisible
filamentous tendrils of this self consumption
(attestation that a body deprived of sustenance
famished to the point, where cannibalism of thine
physical body) augmented at refutation to supply
growing prepubescent with essential nutriment.
No matter that chronological age = LVII,
hence I incorporate poem to exemplify persistence
of my attempt to cease existence
when barely out of boyhood.
Thus the following grippe of near death
when Matthew Scott Harris literally wasted a
way to nada so lovely bones that became
stilled when about thirteen years old.
Despite fifty seven birthdays elapsed since
cataclysmic eruption rent asunder Psyche, an
internal maelstrom wrenched worthiness-
pitting mien as self loathing, and a living blunder.
Angst bulldozed razor blades former childhood
wondrous glee raising suicide quiet riotous ambition,
a painfully slow (self starvation) mine inexorable ride
which chronological frieze kept hog-tied and hide
bound this one grown male dredging haunting specter –
to be gratefully dead within Elysian dale.
Now - as if in a flash, thy youngest of me
two female progeny segued untrammeled ten
+ seven years February fourth two thousand sixteen
triggered flashback to wretched trail of tears.
Sans insidious roiling jagged stone shredding/
thwarting desire to be alive shock waves extant to
this day - no matter long since recovered from nose-dive.
Emotional, psychological & social repercussions hound me
present mental state indelible permanent scars (per anxiety,
panicky, quirky tics) seem never to abate.
Try as I might to shake free from the riptide affects
that drowned this boy to grow, aye experience an
especially perilous remembrance of that infernal woe.
When thee second punim o thine two lovely offspring
passed that milestone age with nary a hitched hint
how her papa felt locked up within his agonizing stage.
Impossible to forgive permanent harm inflicted not only
on self but searing pain my late mother & octogenarian
widower father whose grief, this dada insight re: did gain.
Thru bringing forth his own progeny which years eclipsed
at break neck speed, whereby each especial daughter
evincing greater sturdiness akin to hardy weed.
Bound to surpass their dear ole mister mom permanently
branded with ghost of Christmases past for never knowing thee
potential that burned black toast.
Hunger pains - gamed even to this day frequently
blithely ignored as if still callously tempted, lured and
baited by hand of death this grown man
wished inxs to kiss.
At present tis social anxiety albeit abetted considerably
with the daily ingestion of three prescription medications
(clonozepam, prozac, prazosin and quetiapine fumurate)
still flexes muscling reins of control as scabrous, rapacious,
and pernicious nemesis de jour (lurking in wait to spring up –
jack in the box like) though meditation, physical exercise,
and therapy at Lower Merion Counseling center helps
to mitigate the once near paralyzing malady.
Additionally (in tandem with the above and especially
pharmacological products also listed), I try to expose this
human being at that comfort zone brink by mustering effort
to strike up (initiate) conversation when out and a boot.
Trader Joe’s market (both darling daughters favor food
selection) one venue in particular that finds this ole codger
politely making a favorable comment to another patron.
Usually with an “excuse me†toward the person who
unwittingly exhibits some aesthetically pleasing characteristic
(i.e. dreadlocks, piercings, tattoos, et cetera) the uninvited
/unexpected complement gets communicated.
