Boy in the Shadows

One


“I walk alone,
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me.
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me.”

Boulevard of Broken Dreams, GREEN DAY



“So where you headed?”
	The boy sat against the passenger door, nearly hugging it as if Adam were some sex depraved lunatic about to pounce. Though the kid's fear was no doubt genuine, Adam couldn't help but smile. 
	The kid shrugged at the question and Adam thought an actual verbal answer was unlikely. To his surprise, the kid glanced at him and mumbled, “Don't know. Just going.”
	“Hmm.” Adam tried to size up the kid through the darkness of the pickup cab without appearing to be too attentive and scaring the kid even more. He wore a hoodie sweater with the hood pulled low over his head, hiding most of his face. His voice betrayed his age, as did his lean build and mannerisms. Adam guessed him to be no more than twenty or twenty-one. But there was the possibility he was a bit younger. 
	The boy hugged his pack to his chest and stared out the side window at the night beyond. Whenever the rare car passed, the oncoming headlights would splash across the boy's face, illuminating his eyes. They seemed distant, even sad.
	“What's your name?” Adam asked, breaking the silence. When he'd stopped to give the kid a ride, Adam had introduced himself, but the kid hadn't offered his own name in return. And Adam was beginning to think he wasn't going to get it now.
	“Sam.” The name fell from the boy's lips in a bare whisper. 
	“Sam.” Adam nodded and smiled. “It's nice to meet you, Sam.”
	A raindrop hit the windshield. Then another. Adam glanced out the side window up towards the dark sky and murmured, “More rain.” He turned the windshield wipers on low and watched them swish across the window. A dead leaf was caught beneath the driver side wiper and caused a bleary streak in the center of Adam's view. He glanced at Sam. The kid was leaning against the door, head ducked, chin on his chest, eyes closed. He looked exhausted.
	Adam turned his attention back to the two lane rural road as the light shower quickly built into a downpour. He turned the wipers on high and looked at Sam again. The kid was still slumped against the door, eyes closed. Asleep.
	Who are you, kid? Adam wondered as an unexpected rush of emotion  swept through him. For that one brief moment, when the kid had opened the passenger door to climb into the truck, the cab light had illuminated the boy's face, his eyes. They had stared at each other for a split second before the cab was cast back into darkness. Adam had seen something in Sam's eyes just then, something that had gripped his heart so suddenly and fiercely that it felt like someone punching him in the gut, stealing his breath. His pulse had quickened in that moment...and had yet to calm.



His dreams were always the same, the viewpoint like that of a video game. He never saw himself, just those around him. It made him feel conspicuous, as if all eyes were on him, studying him, scrutinizing him...trying to figure him out. But though he was in plain sight, he hid himself well. At least in the real world. But not in his dreams. In his dreams...they could still see him for who he was. What he was.
	In this dream, Sam was in the hallway of his old high school. Walking the center of the hall, passed the lockers, the other students. His eyes were on the floor, counting the hard tiles. Ugly green tiles speckled with black as if someone had dumped pepper all over the floor.
	The students' eyes were like needles stabbing into him from every direction. He had almost made it through. For nearly twelve years of school, first grade to his senior year, he had been incognito. And successfully so. No one saw. No one knew. Even Jase had been oblivious, as intimate as they were. Sam wondered now how Jase couldn't have suspected that something wasn't right about him. When Jase held Sam in his arms, gazed into his eyes...so many times Sam had longed to just tell him the truth, to be totally open and honest. Jase had been the one. Sam had been sure of it. The one who would understand and love him against all odds.
	Sam had been wrong. Something he'd figured out just a little too late. 
	Students crossed the hall back and forth in front of Sam. He didn't look up, his eyes seeing only their shoes. He hadn't realized there were so many different shoes, various styles of sneakers alone. He didn't have to look ahead to know where he was going. This dream took him to the same place every time. He knew what day this was. What was going to happen. But he couldn't stop it. How do you stop something that has already happened? This was a memory, and he was helpless to follow it through.
	He hated this dream the most. The others were bad, but this was the one that reminded him over and again why he would be alone for the rest of his life, never being able to let another man touch him, love him...know him on any intimate level. And there was nothing more tormenting than the anguish of longing for love, for that touch, that kiss, that safe feeling of being held by someone who you knew would walk through hell with you just to get you to heaven...to long for it all and know it was forever beyond your reach.
	Sam shoved open the restroom door as the shrill bell rang through the halls, announcing the start of the next class. He didn't want to go in here. He just wanted to go to class. Maybe the kids in class would whisper and talk about him, but they were just words. He'd learned to shut out the hurtful words. But in here...more than just hurtful words awaited him.
	He went through the dream routine. Walked to the sink at the far end of the bathroom, dropped his book bag on the floor and stared at his reflection. Except he still couldn't see himself, not within the dream. He felt the tears sliding down his face but he couldn't see them. He gripped the edge of the sink and hung his head, and watched his tears splatter in the porcelain basin. And he waited.
	It wouldn't be long. They would come. They would taunt him. Do things to him that he would never recover from. 
	They would steal his life.
	The bathroom door shoved open. Sneakers squeaked on the hard tiles. Sam stood where he was, watching his tears fall into the sink and burst like tiny explosions slowly ripping through his heart.



“Hey, kid.” Adam reached across the seat and shook the boy's arm. “Sam.”
	The kid came awake with a suddenness that startled Adam, a small cry erupting out of him as he jerked violently away from Adam's touch. Tears drained down his face and he wiped them away quickly with trembling hands. He looked at Adam unsteadily, and for a quick moment, Adam swore he saw something akin to gratitude in the boy's eyes...swimming well below a sea of fear and distrust.
	Adam withdrew, giving the boy space. The truck sat motionless, idling low. Rain beat at the windshield and hammered the roof of the pickup. The wipers whipped back and forth across the window with soft woosh sound, the dead leaf still wedged beneath the driver side wiper. Sam glanced around uncertainly, even fearfully.
	“Where...where are we?” Sam trembled quietly. “Why are we stopped?”
	“This is my turn off.” Adam said. “The next town is still a good fifty miles ahead.”
	Sam's eyes narrowed a bit as he stared out the windshield. He nodded and popped the latch of the door.
	“Wait.” Adam chuckled. “I wasn't telling you to get out.”
	Sam hesitated but didn't pull the door closed tight just yet. He sat unmoving, ready to lunge out the door it seemed.
	“Look.” Adam said. “I have a spare room. Why don't you just crash at my place for tonight, wait out this weather. Then I'll give you a ride to the next town, if that's where you want to go.”
	Sam continued to clutch the door latch. He stared through the front windshield silently, contemplating Adam's offer. Sam shook his head slowly and pushed open the door. “Thanks.” He mumbled. “But I can walk. Rain don't bother me.”
	“Well, it bothers me.” Adam said and leaned across Sam in a quick move and pulled the door closed. He drew back and sat straight behind the wheel, shifting the truck into gear. 
	“What're you doing?” A sliver of fear laced Sam's words.
	“If you're determined to go on tonight.” Adam said. “Then I will drive you.”
	Sam shifted uneasily. “I can't ask you to do that. It's too far and...it's already almost midnight.”
	“Well, first of all, you didn't ask. I offered.” Adam pointed out. “And second, I'll be damned if I'm gonna dump you out in this weather to walk another fifty miles. So here's the deal.” Adam looked at him. “Either you stay at my place tonight, or I drive you. Only two options available. You choose.”
	Indecision tightened the young man's face. What little Adam could see of his face. And what he had seen of the boy's face was beautiful. The face of an angel. Adam couldn't deny that he longed to get to know the kid, to spend time with him, just talk to him and be near him. The depth of the longing startled him. Never in his twenty-five years had he felt such an all consuming need to be in the presence of another boy as he did right now.



Let him drive you. Do not go to his house.
	The words ricocheted through Sam's head, crashing against the inside of his skull. He stared out the front windshield, his eyes looking past the swishing wipers and following the bright headlights as they stabbed out into the downpour and darkness.
	He needed to keep going. He shouldn't have accepted the ride at all. The moment he'd looked into Adam's dark eyes, he knew the man was a threat. Not dangerous in the conventional sense...but deadly for Sam. Jase had been the last guy Sam had allowed himself to get close to. He'd been seventeen then and hadn't allowed himself to really look at, much less become attracted to, another guy in three years. When he sensed someone drawing his interest, or becoming interested in him...he ran. He never allowed it to develop into something of substance. He could never allow it again.
	“So what's it gonna be, Sam?” Adam's voice was low, even somewhat soft. It sounded good saying his name. Which made everything that much worse. It gave him all kinds of disturbing sensations each time Adam said his name, and they were sensations he craved. He wanted to hear Adam speak his name...but even more troubling was that in his head he kept hearing Adam not just speak his name, but cry it out again and again in the height of passion and ecstasy.
	Sam shuddered and hugged his pack tight. Either choice would leave him in Adam's presence for an extended period of time. He considered just climbing out of the truck and insisting on walking. But he knew Adam wouldn't stand for that. He suspected the guy might physically pick him up and put him back in the truck if he did try to walk off in the downpour. The thought of which send another disturbing shudder rippling through him. What would Adam's hands feel like on his body?
	A fierce shudder ran through Sam. So forceful it made him shake.
	“Sam?” There was concern in Adam's torturous voice. “Are you okay?”
	Sam's eyes burned with tears of frustration and anguish. He needed to get away from Adam. And he needed to get away now. If he'd been certain Adam was straight, his fear may not have been so great. But even though Adam hadn't confessed to liking other guys, Sam knew the look. The look that was in Adam's eyes each time he looked at him. A look that was never present in the eyes of a heterosexual man when he looked at another man.
	A look that Sam both longed for...and feared.
	“I'm fine.” Sam rasped quietly. He chanced a look at Adam. The man gazed at him long, unwavering. If there had been even the slightest doubt in Sam's mind that Adam wasn't straight...it vanished in this moment. 
	Don't look at me like that! Sam wanted to scream at him. Whatever you think you see when you look at me...you're wrong.
	“Sam?” Adam murmured, and Sam's insides began to crumble. The solid ground beneath his feet was disintegrating and he felt himself beginning to fall. And there was nothing to grab a hold of, nothing to stop him.
	Sam hung his head and closed his eyes to keep the tears from slipping free. “Your place.”



The ranch house loomed against the troubled night sky, just a huge black shape, a shadow among shadows. Even to Adam it looked kind of creepy. He could only imagine what must be going through Sam's mind as the pickup's headlights splashed up the wide porch steps and reflected back at them from the dark windows.
	The downpour had hit a lull and now a mere light rain fell, tapping softly against the roof of the truck. Adam shut the pickup off. A faint steam rose off the hood. The engine ticked. He looked at Sam. The kid was still hugging his pack and staring doubtfully at the dark house. Adam tugged the keys from the ignition.
	“We should get inside before we're hit with another downpour.” Adam opened his door. Sam sat unmoving. “I would've left lights on, but I didn't know I was going to be home so late.” When Sam didn't respond, Adam nodded slowly and stepped out of the cab. He turned and looked back at Sam. “I know you have no reason to trust me, but for whatever it's worth, I don't mean you any harm, Sam. If you want, you can sit out here until you feel comfortable coming inside. The door will be unlocked.” Adam stuffed the keys in his pocket and grabbed a denim jacket from behind the seat, slipping it on. “Whenever you come in, if you come in, just make yourself at home. There's food in the kitchen if you're hungry, and the spare bedroom is the first door on the right, down the hall.”
	Sam ducked his head but said nothing. Even in the light of the cab, Adam could barely see his face behind the hood of his sweatshirt. Adam nodded and closed the driver door, casting the cab back into darkness.
	Adam walked away from the truck, jogged up the steps, unlocked the front door and stepped inside, closing the door behind him. He turned on the porch light then went to the living room.



Sam squinted against the bright porch light. Inside the house, a couple more lights came on. Whereas a moment ago the place seemed ominous, it now suddenly felt welcoming, even beckoning. He thought about Adam in there, moving around casually, relaxed and at home. Totally within his element.
	It had been a long time since Sam had had a place to call home. The closest thing that felt like home now was Braden's place. But it had been nearly two years since he'd been to his brother's home. Sam knew he was avoiding going back there. Maybe because when he was with his brother, he felt normal. But feeling normal caused him to drop his guard, made him start to forget reality and in turn become careless with his emotions. Braden urged him to put himself out there, insisting that it was like that old George Strait song If you ain't lovin', you ain't livin'.
	A smile twitched Sam's lips at the thought of his brother's ever optimistic, often humorous view of life. Sam envied Braden, his faith and belief that life was what you make it. But Sam hadn't chosen this for himself, he hadn't been given an option. The choice was never his to make. Perhaps he stayed away from his brother because he didn't want to be infected with false hope, empty dreams. All those things were possible for Braden. But not for Sam.
	The large house pressed against the night sky, the two glowing windows staring at Sam like the warm, welcoming eyes of an old friend, or perhaps a gentle lover. Either of which was foreign to Sam. His body ached from the cold, the seemingly endless miles he had walked, the hard paved roads beating at his feet and making his legs throb. He was tired and longed for the warm bed waiting for him inside that house. Sam was convinced once his head hit the pillow, he might well sleep for a week without waking. But more than just a warm bed awaited him. Adam was in there too.
	Sam sucked in a shaky breath and released it in a trembling sigh. He leaned his head against the cold window damp with condensation, and stared at the house. “Adam.” He whispered the name. It was the first time he had said the man's name out loud. It tasted good on his tongue, felt soft on his lips. A name he could say a thousand times over and never tire of whispering it softly, shouting it across a room, crying it out in the grip of passion...sobbing it as the passion eased and left him breathless.
	The tears were hot as they rolled down his chilled face. He brushed them away and cleared his throat. What he needed to do was get out of the truck and walk back to the road, and go on his way. Forget about Adam. Forget the sudden, unexpected emotions and feelings the man had stirred inside him. It was his nature, his survival instinct to run from these things. It kept him safe. And it was time to run again. Run fast...and far.
	Sam opened the door and stepped out. Light rain drizzled down out of the dark sky, but he could feel the raindrops getting thicker, falling faster. He glanced back down the gravel drive that would take him back to the two lane road.
	Heavy raindrops splattered on the hood of his sweatshirt and the pack he was holding. It was building into a downpour again. Still, Sam stared down the drive, a battle raging inside him, ripping at his heart, tearing his mind. He clenched his jaw as his throat tightened with the tears of frustration burning his eyes.
	Sam swallowed thickly and shouldered his pack. He took a single step towards the drive, away from the house, then froze in place. His mind told his body to move, to keep walking, to get as far away from Adam as possible. But his feet refused to move. 
	The rain was coming down harder, drenching his sweatshirt. Sam turned slowly and looked at the house again. The porch light beckoned him, inviting him to come inside, lay down his burden for a night and rest.
	Sam closed his eyes as his tears mingled with the raindrops landing on his skin. God, he was so tired...as if all the stress and pain of the last three years was converging on him all at once, pushing him down, stealing his strength and resolve.
	Sam sniffed and rubbed his wet sleeve across his face then walked towards the house.



The front door opened quietly and closed as quietly. The knot twisting Adam's gut loosened its grip as the tightness in his chest began to ease. He laid in bed, arms crossed beneath his head, and stared at the dark ceiling. The rain was coming down in torrents again. Adam had been half afraid Sam would walk back to the road. Had he done so, Adam would have let him go. He couldn't force Sam to stay. But the kid had made his own choice.
	Adam closed his eyes and released a low sigh. Sam hadn't run away. He was there...for this one night anyway. He pictured Sam's face in his mind. Though he'd only seen the kid's face clearly a couple times, Sam had the most riveting eyes, almost clear. And when those eyes had looked at Adam, it was as if they had physically grabbed hold of Adam's heart, body and soul.
	And his lips...his lips had the loveliest curving flow to them. The urge to kiss those lips the moment he'd laid eyes on them, had been nearly more than Adam could resist. 
	He swallowed thickly as an ache gripped his body and stuttered through him like static electricity. Why was this kid having this effect on him? Sure, it had been awhile since he'd been truly intimate with anyone, and now and then he encountered someone who stirred up the sexual man within him, but this was so much more than just a fit of sexual hunger. Something about Sam gripped Adam's entire being. He didn't just long for Sam physically, but emotionally as well. Even spiritually. In every way possible.
	And Adam had no idea why, only that he couldn't deny the overwhelming feelings crashing in on him. What would he do when Sam left tomorrow? He'd become accustomed, even comfortable, in his single life. The prospect of meeting that one special man, that missing piece to the puzzle of his life, was a nice idea to daydream about...but Adam never really believed it would happen. And he'd reconciled himself to that reality.
	Until tonight. Until Sam.
	Now that he knew that special someone really did exist...could he go back to living contentedly on his own? When Sam walked out of his life as suddenly as he'd walked in, what would it do to Adam's world? Would he just move on...or would Sam's appearance and disappearance in his life be akin to a nuclear explosion blasting through his heart and life, disintegrating everything in it's path?
	Adam opened his eyes and gazed at the dark ceiling. He listened to Sam's soft footsteps down the hall. Would a lonely silence replace those footsteps tomorrow night? Would he ever hear them again after tonight?
	“God.” Adam whispered tightly, his eyes stinging. “What are you doing?”
	Adam laid there in silence. 
	God didn't answer.



A single bedside lamp sat on the small stand beside the bed, casting a low, soft light through the spare bedroom. Sam glanced down the dark hallway. The door at the end was closed. Though no sound emerged, he was certain that was the door to Adam's bedroom. A funny, tickling sensation swirled through his lower abdomen then spiraled up into his chest as he got a sudden mental image of Adam laying in bed, dressed down to his briefs, or possibly nothing at all.
	A stuttered breath escaped him and he swallowed thickly, stepping into the spare bedroom. He closed the door behind him. A cushioned arm chair sat in the corner near the night stand. Sam dropped his pack in the chair then went to the bed. A clean, folded white t-shirt lay on the bed. Sam picked up the shirt and pressed it to his face, breathing in the fresh scent of detergent. It was a crisp, mountain fresh scent that he knew he would now forever associate with Adam.
	Sam laid the shirt back on the bed and peeled off his drenched sweatshirt. The t-shirt he was wearing underneath was damp as well. He draped the sweatshirt across the arm of the chair and removed his damp t-shirt, laying it on top of his sweatshirt
	Picking up the clean t-shirt again, Sam breathed in the scent once more. He unfolded the shirt and slipped it on. It felt good against his skin. Soothing. Even comforting. Is that how Adam's arms would feel?
	Sam closed his eyes and sighed. “Stop it.” He whispered. “There's nothing for you there.”
	Still, he reveled in the feel of Adam's shirt hugging his body, unable to stop himself from wishing it was Adam hugging him, holding him, filling him with hope for a future he had always imagined impossible.
	“What is wrong with you?” He chided himself. “Those who don't learn from the past are doomed to repeat it. You will not fall for this man. It is out of the question and you damn well know it. So just stop it, okay?”
	Sam sat down heavily on the edge of the bed and rested his head in his hands. He raked his fingers through his golden blond hair and stared across the room at the closed door. “Get a grip, Sammy. You've been doing fine. Don't screw up now. Just...don't.”
	Another sigh escaped him. He stood and went to the cushioned chair, opening his pack. He rummaged inside then withdrew a small prescription bottle. He stared at the orange plastic bottle, fingered the thick white lid. He swallowed thickly and popped open the bottle, shook two pills into his palm, then replaced the cap and dropped the bottle back into his pack.
	Sam left the bedroom and crossed the hall to the bathroom. A small plastic cup sat next to a toothbrush holder containing one blue toothbrush, and a half empty tube of AquaFresh toothpaste. Sam stared at the items. He picked up the toothpaste and unscrewed the small cap. He smelled the minty content. An unbidden thought of Adam's mint flavored kiss filled his head. He trembled and squeezed a tiny drop of toothpaste onto his fingertip and sucked it off. If he couldn't taste Adam's kiss...at least he could have the flavor in his mouth.
	Sam raised his eyes to his reflection. He looked away quick and re-capped the toothpaste, replacing it next to the toothbrush. “You're pathetic.” He mumbled as he grabbed the plastic cup and filled it with water. He downed the two pills and left the bathroom without another glance at himself in the mirror. His reflection disturbed him. He saw things in its eyes that left him confused and feeling more alone than ever.
	Was the man he saw in the mirror really who he was?
	Or just a clever masquerade?



The bittersweet dream curled around Adam, squeezed and pulled him in deeper. He knew he was dreaming, knew none of it was real, but still he clung to it. Clung to Sam. The young man was in his arms, in his bed, his warm and welcoming body igniting a passion inside Adam that he hadn't experienced...ever. Not like this. Not this powerful and all consuming.
	Adam groaned aloud in his sleep as he embraced Sam in his dream, kissed his sweet, beautiful lips. “Stay with me, Sam.” Adam begged through their intense kiss. “Please stay. Don't leave me. I don't want a life without you.”
	Sam caressed his face, kissed him back, then drew away, left the bed. He didn't speak but just gazed at Adam with tears and deep anguish in his clear angel eyes.
	“Sam.” Adam choked out softly and reached for him, needing him in his arms, aching for him in his soul and spirit as well as body. Sam reached out and took his hand, the anguish in his eyes breaking Adam's heart.
	“Let me go, Adam.” Sam whispered in agony. “I can't be the one. I can't...”
	Sam drew his hand back and turned away.
	“Don't go.” Adam cried thickly. “Sam...”
	Adam came out of the dream with a suddenness that left his heart racing and his head pounding. He sat up, gasping, his skin damp with sweat. He touched his face and found tears on his cheeks. “Sam.” He shuddered. What the hell was happening to him? How could he feel this way about the kid? He didn't even know him.
	A sound came to him suddenly, and he realized it was what had awakened him. He frowned and left the bed, wearing only dark blue silk boxers. He opened his bedroom door and looked out into the shadowed hallway. His frown deepened, pinching his brow. The door to the spare bedroom was open and the soft, dim light of the bedside lamp crept weakly into the hall.
	He heard the sound again and moved down the hallway slowly, quietly. The bathroom door was closed and light pressed out beneath it. Behind the door, Sam was vomiting.
	Concern tightened Adam's face. He tapped his knuckles lightly on the door. “Sam?” He called softly. “Sam...what's wrong?”
	In the bathroom, Sam quieted. The toilet flushed and moments later, the sink faucet turned on.
	“Sam?” Adam knocked again. “Are you all right?”
	The water shut off, followed by silence.
	“Sam?”
	“I'm fine.” Sam insisted weakly, his low, shaky voice muffled slightly by the closed door. 
	Adam leaned against the door frame and flattened one hand on the door. “Are you sure?” He asked quietly, doubtfully.
	The door opened suddenly, startling Adam. He took a step back. Sam appeared in the open doorway. It was the first time Adam had seen Sam without the hood of his sweatshirt covering his head. His hair was slightly wavy and golden, highlighted by the bright bathroom light. It only enhanced his clear eyes and angelic aura. Except now, his perfect, lovely face was deathly pale as he stood before Adam in the t-shirt Adam had laid out for him, and loose fitting boxers.
	Adam stared at the kid, worried. “Sam...” He said quietly. “What's wrong?”
	Sam met his eyes briefly then glanced away, clearly uneasy. “Nothing. I'm fine.” Sam mumbled and stepped past Adam towards the spare bedroom.
	“Sam.” Adam took hold of Sam's arm lightly, gently. “You were throwing up. That isn't fine.”
	Sam flinched and pulled away reflexively. Adam withdrew his hand.
	“Just...bad roadside food.” Sam murmured without meeting his gaze. “I'm fine.”
	Adam stared at him. The kid hugged himself and looked like he wanted to puke again. There was a vulnerability about Sam that made Adam want to take him to his bed and just hold him close as he fell asleep. He knew Sam didn't trust him, didn't feel entirely safe or secure in Adam's home. And Adam longed to change that, to make him understand there was nothing and no one here that would hurt him.
	“Okay.” Adam said softly. “But if you start feeling worse, if you need to go to the hospital...you tell me, all right?” Sam's lips tightened but he said nothing. Adam raised an eyebrow. “All right?”
	Sam nodded silently without looking at him.
	“Okay then.” Adam gestured towards the bedroom and Sam entered the room. Adam followed and drew back the blankets as Sam crawled onto the bed. He moved slowly, as if his strength had been drained. His pretty eyes were heavy, tired. As he laid down on the pillow, Adam covered him with the blankets. Before he realized what he was doing, Adam brushed the golden hair back from Sam's forehead with affection.
	Sam looked up at him with both uncertainty and gratitude.
	“Try and get some rest.” Adam murmured. His eyes stung at the sight of the boy, but he held them at bay. He didn't know why Sam made him want to cry, and he wouldn't know how to explain the tears.
	Sam's curving lips moved but no sound emerged. He swallowed thickly then managed a whispered - “Thank you.”
	Adam nodded slowly as he gazed into Sam's clear eyes. “Just feel better, ok?”
	Sam nodded silently.
	Adam combed Sam's hair back once more with his fingers then touched the back of his hand to Sam's forehead. “You're warm, but not too hot.” Adam said quietly. “No fever.” He touched the back of his fingers to Sam's cheek as the kid just stared at him. “Like I said, if you start feeling worse, you tell me.”
	Sam nodded again.
	A fierce ache squeezed Adam's chest. Again his eyes burned. “Get some sleep, Sam.” Adam turned off the lamp. “I'm just down the hall. Don't hesitate to wake me if need something. Anything.”
	Adam walked to the door. He could feel Sam's eyes on him in the dark of the room. “Sleep well. I'll see you in the morning.” He said softly and closed the door behind him.



Sam rolled onto his side in the darkness. He pulled one of the thick, soft pillows into his arms and hugged it tightly. Nausea pinched his stomach painfully, but it would pass. It always did. 
	He stared at the window as he listened to Adam walk down the hall then close his bedroom door. Sam closed his eyes. His heart ached as he again felt Adam's fingers in his hair, against his skin. And the way Adam looked at him...no one had ever looked at him that way before. Not even Jase. Maybe Adam could...
	Sam pressed his face into the pillow. His chest tightened and tears welled up and overflowed. “Stop it.” He cried into the pillow. “Just stop it. Adam can't love you...anymore than Jase could.” Sam's chest hitched with sobs and he squeezed the pillow tight in his arms. 
	“If you let him love you.” Sam choked out in quiet despair. “He will hate you in the end.”
	Sam clutched the pillow and used it to muffle the anguished sobs that suddenly swept through him, tearing a path through his heart and mind.














Two


“I'm looking for some kind of sign
to let me know it's all okay,
'cause when I met you I had no idea
 that I would think and feel this way.”

- What Am I Gonna Do With You, Shawn Thomas





The porcelain was cold as death as he gripped the edge of the sink. His head was ducked and he again watched his tears drop and explode in the basin of the sink. The dream held him in its grip once more, squeezing and refusing to release him. Even though while he was caught in the dream, he knew it was a dream...he still literally relived the experience over and again.
	The bathroom door pushed open. Sam closed his eyes, squeezed them tight. Rather than reconciling himself to what was coming each time that door opened, each experience grew worse, frightened him more. Would it ever stop? Was he cursed to relive this for the rest of his life? He didn't know how to make it stop. 
	Thick tears rolled down his face and fell heavily into the sink, splattering in the basin and trickling down the drain. Sam clutched the sink as he listened to the footsteps coming closer. He wanted to fight, but he wasn't in control. The events were set in stone and must be played out exactly as they were written, like actors reading a script.
	Sam steeled himself. Any second, the hands would grab him, slam him against the wall, pin him in place as, one after another, the three boys viciously ripped away his innocence while spitting hatred in his ears. Their hate would mix with their laughter and echo through the bathroom. A sound that would continue to echo through Sam's soul long after the nightmare had ended.
	But it had never ended, not really. As if on a loop, it replayed almost every night. There was no relief, no escape. No one to rescue him. No one to even care that it was happening to him.
	Please, God, Sam begged silently, desperately. Just let them kill me this time. Just let it be over. I know I was a mistake...just let them erase the mistake.
	Sam choked on a hard sob and gripped the sink tighter. He could feel them behind him. A hand gripped his shoulder and he flinched hard, a gasping sob erupting from his throat. Terror closed his throat and for one hopeful moment he thought he might pass out. 
	Let me die. Just make it stop. Please...please...
	“Sam?”
	Sam shuddered hard. Adam's voice filled his head. But Adam wasn't in this dream. He couldn't be...because it wasn't just a dream. He hadn't known Adam then. Was he outside Sam's dream, trying to wake him? He'd wakened him before, in the truck, pulling him out of the dreaded nightmare before the boys could grab him. It was the first time he'd ever been rescued from them and he'd wanted to throw his arms around Adam and kiss him for his saving grace.
	Please hurry, Adam. Wake me up again.
	The hand still gripped his shoulder. “Sam?”
	No one grabbed him. Sam frowned and opened his eyes slowly, lifting his head just a bit. He stared into the mirror. He stared at his reflection and this time saw himself in the mirror. As many times as he'd relived this memory, he had never been able to see himself in the mirror. But he was staring into his own clear eyes, and behind him...Adam stood with his hand on his shoulder. Not threatening him, as the boys did, but...what? What was Adam doing there? How was it even possible?
	“Adam?” Sam trembled through his sobs.
	Adam gazed at him in the mirror. So much emotion swirled through Adam's dark eyes. Too much for Sam to understand.
	Adam gripped Sam's shoulders with both hands, standing close behind him. He pressed his lips to the back of Sam's head and whispered, “Let me in, Sam...and I won't ever let them hurt you again.”
	Sam began to shake with sobs. He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. “You're not really here.” He cried. “You can't be here. It isn't possible.”
	“I am here, Sam.” Adam murmured, kissing his hair. “I'm here because you brought me here. Because deep down inside, you know I care what happens to you.”
	Sam shook his head harder, tears streaming down his face. “No.” He choked. “No one cares.”
	“I do.” Adam whispered tightly.
	“Stop it.” Sam cried and spun around to face Adam. “You don't care! You can't! I don't want you to! Just shut up-”
	Adam grabbed his face and kissed him with fierce passion. “I do care, Sam.” Adam gasped into Sam's mouth then kissed him again. “And you want me to. You say you don't but you do.”
	Sam cried against Adam's warm mouth. “You can't love me...you don't know what you're saying...you don't know me.”
	“You're wrong, Sam.” Adam murmured against his lips. “I do know you. I see you. And I love what I see.”
	Sam wilted against Adam's body and clung to him desperately, crying hard. Adam's arms wrapped around him and held him tight.
	“Let me love you, Sam.” Adam begged, emotion thickening his voice. “Let me be the one. Please, Sam.”
	Sam pressed his face to Adam's throat, his tears wetting Adam's skin. “I can't.” He cried softly.
	Adam's arms tightened around him as if afraid he was going to pull away and flee. “Why, Sam?”
	Sam clutched his shirt and pressed his lips to Adam's warm throat, felt the beat of Adam's heart pumping fast, hard. “It would hurt too much...to lose you.”
	Sam opened his eyes and the dream was gone. He lay in the bed in Adam's spare room. His heart thumped forcefully. Early morning sun cast warm rays through the window and onto the carpet.
	Confusion gripped him. The dream had never deviated from the set events before. Yet somehow Adam had stepped in and changed everything. For three years, Sam had prayed to be rescued. To be set free from the recurring nightmare, and now...what did it mean?
	Sam sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He rested his elbows on his knees and stared at the floor. A low sigh shuddered through him. Maybe this time it had really just been a dream, brought on by the attention Adam have given him last night. It meant nothing.
	Sam licked his lips. “Nothing at all.” He whispered thickly. His chest tightened with an ache that only added to his confusion. He raised his head and gazed across the room. His eyes settled on the cushioned arm chair. His pack sat where he'd placed it last night. Sam's brow pinched as he stood slowly to his feet and went to the chair. His sweatshirt, t-shirt and jeans were draped over the back of the chair, washed and folded.
	The tightness in his chest squeezed painfully, gripping his heart. He picked up the clean t-shirt and pressed it to his face as he'd done last night with Adam's shirt. Sam closed his eyes and breathed in the fresh scent. “Adam...” He choked on a sudden, hard sob.
	Let me love you, Sam. Let me be the one.
	Sam's chest heaved as his pulse quickened and anguish cut through him. “It was just a dream.” Sam trembled and lowered the shirt. “It meant nothing.” He dropped the shirt in the chair. “Nothing.”



The bedroom door was open. Adam glanced inside. The room was empty. Across the hall, behind the closed bathroom door, the shower was running. Adam went to the door and touched it with his fingertips. Even from outside the bathroom, Adam could smell the scent of soap and shampoo. He closed his eyes and got a sudden image of Sam standing beneath the hot shower spray, suds sliding down his body.
	Adam sucked in a short, sharp breath and opened his eyes, stepping back from the door. His pulse raced. Why did he want Sam so bad? Need him so much? Last night, when he'd touched Sam's face, it had taken all his strength of will to walk out of that room without at least kissing the young man. Even greater was the desire to beg Sam to come to his bed and let Adam hold him and comfort him until his sickness passed.
	Backing further away from the door, Adam returned to the kitchen. He began mixing up a bowl of pancake batter, trying to distract his fevered thoughts from the beautiful young man in the shower down the hall. Anxiety pinched his gut at the prospect of Sam leaving. He was desperate to convince the kid to stay longer, but he didn't know how to do so. The truth was too stark and bold, and confused even himself. The truth would send the kid running scared. 
	Adam turned on the electric griddle and sprayed it down with cooking spray. He stared blankly at the black, non-stick surface as it heated up. Down the hall, the shower shut off. In his mind, Adam watched Sam step out of the shower, his bare skin steaming from the hot water. His wavy, golden hair wet and a deeper shade of gold, the tips clinging to his forehead and cheeks.
	A shudder rushed through Adam's body, igniting sensations and desires that overwhelmed him. He gripped the edge of the counter and squeezed his eyes shut, taking a deep breath and releasing it slow.
	“God.” He groaned in a low, unsteady whisper. “Please don't show him to me and then take him away. I don't ask for much...but I'm asking now.” His whole body tingled with the prospect of his request. Please let me have him...body, heart and soul. “Please, God...he's all I need. I don't need anything else.”
	Adam opened his eyes slowly and reached for the bowl of batter, spooning some out onto the hot cooking surface. Moments later, the bathroom door opened. Adam's pulse quickened a bit more. He glanced at the kitchen doorway, but Sam didn't show. Turning the griddle temperature down somewhat, Adam left the kitchen.



The shower felt good as did the freshly washed clothes. Sam crossed the hall back into the bedroom. He wore his jeans and his own black t-shirt again.  He laid Adam's t-shirt on the back of the chair, wishing he could take it with him, wanting even just one thing of Adam's to carry with him. But he couldn't just take it, and he couldn't ask for it either. 
	His chest felt hollow, his heart empty as he began to make the bed. He had to leave, there was no other option. Even if Adam wanted him to stay, he couldn't. He had to get away. There was no denying Adam's attraction to him, and Sam sensed that Adam wasn't a man to be put off for too long. And Sam craved what Adam would soon offer him. Craved it like a drug. And that's why he had to get out now, before he got a taste, before he got hooked.
	“You don't have to do that.”
	Sam jumped and turned quickly. Adam stood in the bedroom doorway, gazing at him with his powerful dark eyes. 
	Sam swallowed thickly and turned back to the bed. Anything to not have to look at the man. He didn't know why it hurt so bad to look at him, but it did. Hurt like hell. “I don't mind.” Sam murmured.
	Adam crossed the room and went around to the other side of the bed and began helping Sam straighten the blankets. Sam kept his eyes averted from Adam's gaze, but he couldn't push the man from his vision. He watched Adam's hands and again felt them touching his face. His breath stuttered in his throat and he stepped back from the bed. Adam straightened the last corner then looked at Sam.
	“Feeling better this morning?”
	“Yeah.” Sam said quietly without really looking at Adam. He gestured towards the bathroom. “I...took a shower. I hope that's okay.”
	Adam smiled and it pulled Sam's eyes like a magnet drawing a flint of steel. “I told you last night to make yourself at home.”
	Home. What would it be like to call this place home? 
	Home is where the heart is.
	How would it feel to call Adam's heart home?
	“Sam?” Adam gazed at him, one eyebrow raised, causing Sam's heart to shudder. “You okay?”
	“Uh...yeah.” Sam faltered and turned his back to Adam. He stepped over to the chair and began messing with his pack. He could feel Adam's eyes heavy on his back. “I've...imposed enough. I should get going.” He picked up his pack. It felt like it was filled with bricks. He didn't remember it being this heavy, but suddenly it felt like a burden he wasn't sure he could carry anymore.
	Adam appeared at his side and took his pack from his hands and dropped it back into the chair. “Not yet.” Adam said. “I'm making breakfast. Pancakes. I can't hardly send you on your way with an empty stomach. What kind of host would I be?”
	Sam hesitated and Adam touched his arm lightly.
	“Stay.” Adam said quietly, and Sam felt more in that one word than a simple request for him to stay for breakfast.
	The thought of eating didn't really appeal to Sam, his stomach was twisted in too many knots. But he owed Adam that much. The man had been more than gracious and hospitable to him.
	You're stalling when you should be getting the hell out of here.
	The voice of reason. The gut feeling that told him when to run. Sam forced the voice out of his head, though he knew once he stopped listening to it, he would be in a world of hurt. But as he met Adam's eyes and felt his fingertips lingering against his arm, Sam didn't have the strength or will to deny him.
	“Okay.” Sam whispered.
	Adam smiled and the slight tension gripping the man eased. He lowered his hand away from Sam's arm, and gestured towards the doorway.



“Last night...you said you weren't headed anywhere.”
	Sam's fork faltered as he started to raise a bite to his mouth. “Yeah.” He took the bite and chewed slowly, staring at his plate.
	Adam watched him. He was almost finished eating and Adam still hadn't been able to break through the wall carefully constructed around Sam. If he could just breech the wall in one spot, maybe he could convince Sam to stay, even just one more day. This couldn't be it, this couldn't be the end. If it was...what was the point? Adam believed everything happened for a reason, and if this was cut short now, that belief might well fade away to nothing. And he needed to believe the events of life had purpose, meaning.
	“So why be in a hurry to go nowhere?” Adam stared at him across the table. Look at me, Sam, he wanted to tell him. Look at me and see how much I want you here, how much I need you here. But Sam wouldn't look at him.
	Sam shrugged. “I like to keep moving.” It was all he offered.
	“Do you have a place you call home?” Adam ignored his own breakfast as he watched the kid intently. “A place you touch base with from time to time?”
	Sam glanced quickly at Adam, but wouldn't hold his stare. “My brother's place, I guess.” He said quietly. “Braden.”
	Adam glanced at his own plate and stabbed a piece of pancake with his fork. “How long has it been since you've been there?” Adam fed the bite into his mouth and continued to look at Sam.
	“Awhile.” Sam murmured. His appetite seemed to be waning. “A couple years.”
	Adam nodded, swallowed then picked up the small glass of orange juice by his plate and took a drink. “A couple years.” He set the glass down. “That's a long time not to visit your brother. Doesn't he worry about you out here on the road?”
	“Yeah, I guess.” Sam admitted. “But I keep in touch. Let him know where I am.”
	Adam nodded. “That's good.” He murmured. “How do you get along? Financially, I mean.”
	Sam shrugged again. “Odd jobs. And Braden helps too.” He met Adam's stare briefly. “Mostly odd jobs though.”
	“I see.” Adam laid down his fork. “So tell me...how do feel about horses?”
	“Huh?” The seemingly sudden change in subject brought Sam's eyes to Adam's.
	“Horses.” Adam repeated. “You like horses?”
	“I...” Sam seemed confused by the question. “I...don't know any.”
	Adam chuckled and picked up his fork again. “Well, when you're finished there, I'll introduce you to some.”
	“Okay...” Sam's brow pinched with a puzzled frown. 
	Adam glanced at him and smiled. Adam had enough odd jobs to keep Sam around for months.



The small bay mare thrust her head over the stall gate and nickered as soon as she saw Adam and Sam enter the barn. Her dark brown ears were rimmed in black as if they had been singed, and pricked forward with interest. She whinnied loud when she knew she had their attention.
	Adam laughed and rubbed the small white star on her forehead as he approached her. “Hey, girl. How ya doing?”
	The mare nuzzled his palm, seeking a treat.
	“Yeah, you just love me for the treats, don't ya?” Adam grinned. “You're spoiled is what you are.”
	Sam watched Adam with the horse. He clearly had real affection for the animal. And it seemed to be mutual. Sam gazed at Adam's face, drank in his smile, and felt himself drowning in the man's soft laughter. His heartbeat stuttered then quickened. It was ridiculous but he actually felt jealous of the mare, the way Adam made a fuss over her. The way he clearly adored her. Despite the silly jealousy, Sam nonetheless found it desperately endearing and couldn't resist the smile tugging at his lips.
	Adam looked at him suddenly, catching Sam watching him so intently. Adam's eyes glowed as he gazed at Sam. Sam looked away quick, feeling exposed.
	“Come here, Sam.” Adam said softly. “Meet my best girl.”
	Sam approached the mare cautiously. He'd never been around horses and didn't really know what to expect from this one, though she seemed quite gentle and docile. When he stopped about a foot away, just staring at the animal uncertainly, Adam laughed softly and took hold of Sam's hand, pressing his palm to the mare's face.
	“She don't bite, Sam.” Adam smiled, gazing at Sam's face. “She might love you to death, but she'll never bite you or cause you harm.”
	The smile returned to Sam's lips as he slowly rubbed his hand up the mare's forehead to the small star. She nudged at him with her velvet nose, apparently checking to see if he was the one harboring the treats. Sam laughed softly and slid his hand down so she could smell his palm. She rubbed her mouth in his hand then licked him. Sam laughed again.
	“Horses will lick you like a dog.” Adam grinned. “Weird, huh?”
	“Yeah.” Sam murmured, suddenly understanding why Adam adored the small mare so much. Sam was already falling in love with her. He glanced at Adam. “What's her name?”
	“Ariel.”
	Sam smiled and rubbed the mare's face with both hands. “Like the Little Mermaid?”
	Adam laughed. “Exactly like the Little Mermaid.” He shook his head and grinned. “Love that cartoon.” He looked at Sam. “Is that pathetically gay?”
	Sam smiled and stared in the mare's eyes. “It is.” He looked at Adam and they both laughed.
	Adam reached out and scratched the mare's ear then ran his hand down her black mane. “Would you consider staying here for awhile?” Adam asked quietly. Sam tensed and knew the change was visible. “I've been thinking about hiring someone on to help out around the place, help take care of the horses. The pay would be worth it.” He smiled and shrugged. “And Ariel here is already attached to you...it would be a shame if you left and broke her heart.”
	Was Adam really talking about the mare? Sam pressed his lips together as the mare nudged his stomach with her nose. “That was a cheap shot.” He said quietly, and smiled despite himself.
	“It was, I know.” Adam grinned. “But it's true. I mean, look at her...she already loves you.” Adam gazed warmly at Sam's face. “And, I don't know, but I think maybe you're falling for her too.”
	Falling for Ariel? It was true. Unfortunately, she wasn't the only one Sam was falling for. He licked his lips and stroked the mare's face, whispering softly, “I am.”
	“So stay awhile.” Adam urged gently, sincerely.
	Sam wanted to say yes, wanted to shout it out loud that there was nothing he wanted more than to stay there with Adam. To let himself fall into this man who moved him in ways no one ever had. To allow himself to be loved by him...physically and emotionally. But as much as he longed to say yes...reality would force him to say no.
	“Adam...” Sam's throat tightened and he longed for the moment ago when they were both laughing and at ease. “I appreciate the offer...I really do, but-”
	“Don't...give me your answer just yet.” Adam interjected. “Take one more night to sleep on it. Think about it.”
	Sam's face ached as he clenched his jaw against a sudden well of tears burning his eyes.
	“Just one more night.” He could hear and feel the plea in Adam's voice. “What's one more night gonna hurt? You weren't really headed anywhere anyway...right?”
	Sam swallowed at the lump swelling in his throat. He blinked back the tears. “Right.” He whispered thickly.
	“So?” Adam murmured, and Sam could feel the weight of the man's eyes on his face. “One more night?”
	Sam stared at the mare's face, rubbed his palms over her dark, pretty eyes. If he stayed another night, he would get caught. Hooked. And if that happened...if he let Adam in even just a little bit...they would both come out of this broken. And for Sam...irreparably so.
	Adam touched his fingertips to Sam's chin and lifted his face, drawing Sam's eyes to his own. “Sam?”
	Don't do this. You can't be here. You can't stay.
	“One more night.” Sam shuddered beneath Adam's light touch, and felt his heart melting away in the warmth of Adam's smile.
	You fool, Sammy. What have you done?














Three


“I don't wanna wait, I just wanna know
I just wanna hear you tell me so
Give it to me straight, tell it to me slow.”

- Someday, Rob Thomas





The leather gloves were stiff and a little too big. Sam flexed his fingers, squeezing the tough material into a loose fist.
	“Sorry. Those are kind of old.” Adam said as he tugged on his own worn gloves. “I'll get you a new pair when I go to town. Some that actually fit you.” He grinned and Sam just stared at his mouth. In his dream, Adam had kissed him. It hadn't felt like a dream, and Sam hungered to taste that kiss again.
	“I have a thick jacket you can use in the mornings.” Adam grabbed a hammer and a small bag of horseshoe nails off the wooden shelf in the tack room. “It gets pretty cold and you'll want more than just a sweatshirt.”
	Sam didn't respond. Adam spoke as if Sam had already agreed to stay on. But he'd only said he would stay one more night and think about it. Still, Adam made no mention of Sam possibly leaving tomorrow.
	“Come on.” Adam headed for the large opening at the far end of the barn. “It's pretty far out there, but we should have plenty of daylight to get the fence done.”
	Sam followed him out of the barn to the pickup, then climbed into the passenger seat. 
	“It's kind of a bumpy ride.” Adam warned as he cranked the truck to life. “By the time we get back, you'll be glad for a soft bed to crash in.”
	Sam nodded silently.
	“You ever work fence before?” Adam backed the truck around and drove past the barn to a large wooden gate that opened into a huge pasture and stopped the truck.
	“No.” Sam said quietly, then popped open his door. “I'll get the gate.”
	He closed the door behind him and walked to the gate, unlatched it and swung it open wide. Adam pulled the truck through then stopped inside the field as Sam closed the gate and returned to the truck.
	“Fencing isn't rocket science.” Adam said as the truck rolled slowly down through the pasture. “Just takes common sense.” He glanced at Sam and grinned. “And you seem like a common sense kind of guy.”
	Sam smiled and looked out the passenger window. Don't bet on it, he thought. The truck bounced and jumped over the uneven ground. Sam gripped the door to steady himself. Adam looked at him and grinned again.
	“Told ya it was bumpy.”
	“Yeah.” Sam gripped the door tighter. “You called it.”
	Adam laughed. Sam closed his eyes briefly and fought the tingling sensations that Adam's laugh ignited. God, how was he going to spend the rest of this day and the coming night alone with this man? The very second he displayed any 'give' at all, Adam would reel him in a little more...until he was close enough for Adam to embrace him. And once he'd given up that much...Sam knew it would be over for him. There would be no more fighting or resistance.
	He glanced at Adam discreetly. Regardless of how desperately he wanted to give in to Adam, he had to fight it. He couldn't let himself give up even the tiniest bit of ground. He would get through this day, and the night, and then he had to leave. In a moment of weakness he had allowed Adam to convince him to stay. He wouldn't let that happen again.



“God, this is embarrassing.” Sam groaned and twisted the claws of the hammer free of the embedded wire. He stared at the wooden fence post in frustration.
	Adam watched the young man, struggling not to laugh and doing a poor job of it. He couldn't help it, Sam was just too adorable and cute, his frustration twisting his beautiful face.
	“Don't sweat it.” Adam laughed lightly. “Sometimes the nails are nearly petrified into the wood and it's hard as hell getting them out. Hand me the hammer.” Sam gave him the hammer. Adam worked the claws under the wire around the embedded horseshoe nail. “Come here, grab it like this.” He had Sam grab the handle like a pry bar. “Now reef down as hard as you can.”
	Sam looked doubtful but did as Adam instructed, using all his weight. The wire groaned and stretched a bit but the nail refused to budge. “Shit.” Sam panted, releasing the pressure. “This is pathetic. Can't even pull a damn nail from a post.”
	Adam laughed and shook his head. “Trust me, it isn't you.” He assured. “These nails can be some stubborn suckers when they want to be. We're gonna both have to yank on it at the same time.”
	Adam stepped up behind Sam. “Grab the handle.” Sam complied and Adam reached around each side of the kid and grabbed the hammer in between Sam's hands. A sudden tension stiffened Sam's body as his back pressed against Adam's chest. Adam's face touched Sam's hair. It smelled like shampoo. A funny, tantalizing sensation spiraled down through Adam's body and shot back up, exploding through his head. His breath quickened and he closed his eyes briefly, trying to force his pulse to calm. It didn't work.
	Clearing his throat anxiously, Adam said, “Okay. On three, put your weight into it.” His heart was beating a hole in his chest and he wondered if Sam could feel the force of it against his back. “One...two...three.”
	They both yanked down on the handle of the hammer, reefing back full force. The nail screeched as it loosened from the post then suddenly ripped free. The sudden release of tension sent Adam and Sam stumbling back, losing their footing and hitting the ground. Sam landed on Adam with a grunt then toppled onto the grass, his air knocked out of him slightly.
	“Damn.” Adam released a short, gasping laugh.
	Sam lay on his back, sucking in air. Adam rolled over, pushing up on an elbow, and stared down at Sam.
	“You okay?”
	Sam nodded. “Yeah.” He gasped softly. “Just knocked the wind out of me a bit.”
	Adam grinned, tugged off his glove and plucked a dead leaf from Sam's hair. He gazed down at Sam's face, transfixed by its perfection and loveliness.
	Oh God, Sam, I want to kiss you and never stop.



The want and need burning in Adam's eyes was like bolts of lightning stabbing into Sam's heart, mind and body. Adam's fingers lingered in his hair.
	Sam tried to look away, but Adam's empowering eyes held his, unyielding. A heat was spreading through him, getting hotter, burning him alive from the inside out. If Adam kissed him now...Sam was sure his heart might literally explode.
	For a brief moment, Sam thought that's exactly what he was going to do as the strong emotions churned in Adam's dark eyes.
	Don't let him kiss you. Get up. Now!
	Sam tried to move but his body felt locked in place. Adam's fingers raked lightly down his cheek. Sam trembled, helpless against the feelings and emotions Adam brought to life inside him.
	Adam licked his lips anxiously. “Well...” He murmured unsteadily, a tremor to his voice. “We're not getting any work done this way.” He cleared his throat nervously then pushed himself up, standing to his feet. He reached his hand out to Sam.
	After a moment of hesitation, Sam clasp his hand and let him help him up off the ground.
	They went back to work, tearing off the old, damaged wire and nailing up new strands. Their conversation was minimal and Sam wouldn't let himself look at Adam directly. He could feel the powerful emotions in Adam's eyes when the man looked at him, and Sam didn't trust his own resolve. If he looked in Adam's eyes and saw those feelings again, it would weaken him more. And he was struggling enough as it was.
	When they finally made it back to the barn, it was late afternoon and the sun was sagging low in the sky. Around the perimeter, heavy rain clouds lingered.
	“Storm's coming.” Adam murmured as they walked from the barn towards the house.
	Sam looked at the sky. There was a crisp chill to the air.
	“Possibly some snow.” Adam added quietly.
	Sam glanced down the drive as they approached the porch steps. He should have been long gone by now. Agreeing to stay another night had been a bad decision. Careless. Even irresponsible. Nothing could come of this. So why was he lingering? Stalling his retreat?
	“Sam?”
	Sam flinched and realized he was standing, unmoving, at the foot of the steps, staring down the drive. He glanced at Adam who stood on the porch staring down at him. 
	Adam glanced quickly towards the drive, an uneasy look in his eyes, then turned them back on Sam. “You coming?”
	One last glance at the gravel drive and Sam turned towards Adam. “Yeah.” He whispered and climbed the steps.



Sam perched on a stool at the far end of the counter as Adam lightly breaded two steaks and placed them in a cast iron frying pan sizzling with hot oil. The kid looked as if, at any moment, he might well cut and run. Adam could feel a part of him desperate to flee Adam's presence. And Adam was desperate to keep him there.
	“I'm no gourmet chef.” Adam admitted with a grin. “But you can survive on my cooking.” He chuckled and shrugged. “Not sure what a consolation that is.”
	A smile played around the corners of Sam's mouth, but there remained a level of wariness in the kid, as if he were afraid to relax and make a show of enjoying being here with Adam. 
	“I'm sure it'll be good.” Sam said quietly.
	Adam smiled and nodded. “Ah, thanks for the vote of confidence.” He turned the burner on medium-low and covered the pan with a cast iron lid.
	A sudden, hard gust of wind hit the side of the house and Sam jumped reflexively, then let go a nervous laugh. “Scared me.”
	The lights flickered. Adam glanced around. “Guess I was right. It's gonna storm.”
	Rain pelted the windows as the strong wind whipped the drops hard against the glass panes. The lights flickered again.
	“Will the electricity go out?” Sam wondered low.
	“Possibly.” Adam opened a drawer and took out a flashlight. He held it up. “Just in case.” He took out a few candles and set them on the counter as well.
	Sam smiled. “You're prepared.”
	Adam chuckled and shrugged. “You live in the country long enough, you learn to be prepared.” He glanced at the cook stove. “Unfortunately, I have yet to switch to a gas stove. So if the electricity goes – so does our dinner.”
	The lights flickered heavily, going out completely for a few second

 

Tags: love, encouraging, pain, hope, fear,