Psalmic Lament
poem by:
Rhys Lee
Written
on Mar 26, 2020
I’ve known You all my life, dedicating my life to the church and Your name. I’ve been devout, always proclaiming Your name in my life, claiming that I follow You at all times and in all my ways, and I know I should be praying but I haven’t in such a long time, thinking egotistically that somehow I can save myself and that I have to solve my problems by myself— but now things are so fucked up that I need to pray— what do I even say to You? You Who knows everything and knows all things, from Whom flows all Being and Creation—You Who shaped me in my mother’s womb and gave me the Breath of Life—what could I possibly say to You that You don’t already know except what the fuck happened? I followed Your every instruction, went to college where You wanted me to go, met a woman and loved her like You told me to, and yet she betrayed me—she cheat on me, God! And yet You told me to love her! What happened? Did I not follow Your instruction to a T? Did I not follow You?! I know I have anger, and I know I became complacent, but what else did I do wrong for this to happen? And as I’ve distanced myself from her, I realize I’ve betrayed You, taking nothing from our marriage, committing adultery on the Groom who gave Himself for me, and I’ve fucked someone else in our matrimonial bed—how much does it hurt God? Do You actually know my pain? I want to burn that bed to ash like I’ve burned down our commitment and our covenant—I want to cover myself in those ashes and rend my shirt just to curse Your name finally—I've been in the church all my life but all I found was watered down spirituality so that I have my fist raised high for the bliss it is, to finally have a Christ to crucify and then to kiss—but I didn’t crucify You— I took on all my own problems and tried to change myself while whipping my own back just to punish myself so that You wouldn’t have to get Your hands dirty— because my hands are already bloody. I listened to You, God. And now I cry my God, my God, why have You forsaken me? I call out to You but You never answer, and I weep on Your shoulder, but You don’t seem to listen. What are You doing? I am drowning, but You haven’t sent a fish to swallow me whole, and You haven’t shown me a burning bush calling me out of the desert, and You haven’t sent a prophetic vision to guide me—I rest my head on rocks while the quicksand and tar slowly swallow me and suffocate me, fossilize me while I die. This is the end of me, God. Do You even care? I am wandering the desert waiting upon Your deliverance—how long do You want me to wander dehydrated and famished?— when will this storm finally pass?— what are You doing to me, God? Did You lie to me when You told me to love? What do I do now? I’ve tried chocking this all up to free will but now I’m turning to You because I loved like You told me to! Why would You tell me to love if You knew I would destroy my commitment like this? I don’t believe You’re cruel and conniving, but after this I’m starting to question it. What are You trying to prove? My faith is shaken, and I doubt Your goodness, but I have to know—is there a balm to heal my sin-sick soul, to make the wounded whole? Am I your bride adorned in garments of salvation torn promised to an air sign? Am I still not saved? Was I not sufficiently ashamed? Neither did I blush save to speak Your name. Can I trust in Your goodness and love, and in Your anger can I find no sin— in my anger can I find no sin? Then let fiery rain and brimstone come falling down on the Cities of the Plain, because now’s as dreadful a time as any to begin—destroy me vengefully.
Tags: Anger, Depressing, Confused, Pain, Dark,
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k river commented on Jul 24, 2020 at 6:50am
GOD HAS NOT WALKED AWAY YOU HAVE. You need to ask GOD to forgive you. if your wife cheated on you it was HER free will choice. You need to ask GOD to forgive you for NOT choosing to Listen to HIS answer. Instead of continuing to follow JESUS and draw closer to HIM and allowing to HIM to draw closer to you. NOT choosing to do that, you have chosen to go your own way. It doesn't sound like that is working very well for you. Trying to solve this type of problem on you own is destine for failure. Yes, you were hurt but your blaming the wrong one. The evil one is the one who caused all of this and has suckered you into thinking it was GOD'S fault.
When you finally decide you have had enough. Go to GOD and ask HIM to forgive you and allow HIM to start the process of healing your heart. There is HOPE for you GOD STILL LOVES YOU and HE has NOT Forsaken you. HE is there with you right now HE hasn't left. All you have to do is go to HIM and HE will forgive you of everything and HE will walk with you and make things better than they were before. You need to give him total control of all your life not just parts of it. You need to place all your trust in HIM not just a little bit letting HIM take care of things for you HE HAS heard your cries and HE is answering you the Question is will you really listen or continue to ignore the answer that has been given. You are NOT without responsibility for the situation you now find yourself in and you know very well it. So it is time that you acknowledge your part and ask for GOD'S forgiveness so you can get right with GOD and walk on. Regardless of whether your marriage is restored or not you need to start walking with JESUS again Here is what you can do.
Pray this: LORD JESUS I ask you to forgive me of all my sins. I am sorry for walking away from you in this dire time in my life. I ask that you heal my crushed heart and soul. Thank you for loving me in JESUS name I pray amen.
Now then start reading the Bible even if you don't feel like it force yourself. Ask GOD to put a Wall of Fire and a Band of Angels around you mind. Because once you have asked GOD to for give you and your relationship is right with HIM, the first thing evil one and his demons will try to do is attempt to convince you that GOD didn't really forgive you. THAT is a lie and is straight out of the pit so rebuke it and cast it into the depths of HELL itself. DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF to entertain any thought like that. At first those types of thoughts will come thick and fast so be aware and ready to fight them off. pretty soon they will stop coming. Then in about 6 months time they will try again. If you forget and allow them in they will be back full force only 10 times greater so keep on your guard.
The LORD LOVES YOU VERY MUCH enough to send me a total stranger to try to help you if you will only listen. A lot of things had to happen just to get me here to write this message for YOU. Do you think for one minute this is an accident that I am reading what you have written here or that I am here now? NOT a CHANCE my friend. I just signed up to submit some poems to this web site today and I came across your write. I was following the leading of the LORD to come here. I hope you chose to get right with JESUS right away the sooner you do that the better it will be for you. However if you chose not to do that you will continue to get knocked around and suffer until you finally do. You will be very glad, thankful and relieved when you do submit your will and return to HIM.Trust HIM and have faith believing that HE will do what HE has promised because HE will. Try it, What do you have to loose except all the trouble you are now having. This will increase your faith big time because it will give your faith to stand on reminding you that GOD helped you in this situation to grow your faith stronger.
Best regards,
K River
k river
commented on Jul 24, 2020 at 7:05am
GOD HAS NOT WALKED AWAY YOU HAVE. You need to ask GOD to forgive you. if your wife cheated on you it was HER free will choice. You need to ask GOD to forgive you for NOT choosing to Listen to HIS answer. Instead of continuing to follow JESUS and draw closer to HIM and allowing HIM to draw closer to you.
NOT choosing to do that, you have chosen to go your own way. It doesn't sound like that is working very well for you. Trying to solve this type of problem on you own is destine for failure. Yes, you were hurt but your blaming the wrong one. The evil one is the one who caused all of this and has suckered you into thinking it was GOD'S fault.
When you finally decide you have had enough. Go to GOD and ask HIM to forgive you and allow HIM to start the process of healing your heart. There is HOPE for you GOD STILL LOVES YOU and HE has NOT Forsaken you. HE is there with you right now HE hasn't left. All you have to do is go to HIM and HE will forgive you of everything and HE will walk with you and make things better than they were before. You need to give him total control of all your life not just parts of it. You need to place all your trust in HIM not just a little bit letting HIM take care of things for you.
HE HAS heard your cries and HE is answering you the Question is will you really listen or will you continue to ignore the answer that has been given. You are NOT without responsibility for the situation you now find yourself in and you very well know it. So it is time that you acknowledge your part and ask for GOD'S forgiveness so you can get right with GOD and walk on. Regardless of whether your marriage is restored or not you need to start walking with JESUS again Here is what you can do.
Here is only a suggestion of what to pray say it in your own words or use these just mean it in your heart either way is OK.
Pray this: LORD JESUS I ask you to forgive me of all my sins. I am sorry for walking away from you in this dire time in my life. I ask that you heal my crushed heart and soul. Thank you for loving me. I ask that you put a wall of fire and a band of Angels about me right now in JESUS name I pray amen.
Now then start reading the Bible even if you don't feel like it force yourself. Ask GOD to put a Wall of Fire and a Band of Angels around you mind. Because once you have asked GOD to for give you and your relationship is right with HIM, the first thing evil one and his demons will try to do is attempt to convince you that GOD didn't really forgive you. THAT is a lie and is straight out of the pit so rebuke it and cast it into the depths of HELL itself. DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF to entertain any thought like that. At first those types of thoughts will come thick and fast so be aware and ready to fight them off. pretty soon they will stop coming. Then in about 6 months time they will try again. If you forget and allow them in they will be back full force only 10 times greater so keep on your guard.
The LORD LOVES YOU VERY MUCH enough to send me a total stranger, to try to help you, if you will only listen. A lot of things had to happen just to get me here to write this message for YOU. Do you think for one minute this is an accident that I am reading what you have written here or that I am here now? NOT a CHANCE my friend I know and believe GOD sent me. I just signed up to submit some poems to this web site today and I came across your write. I was following the leading of the LORD to come here. I hope you chose to get right with JESUS right away the sooner you do that the better it will be for you. However if you chose not to do that you will continue to get knocked around and suffer until you finally do. You will be very glad, thankful and relieved when you do submit your will and return to HIM.Trust HIM and have faith believing that HE will do what HE has promised because HE will. Try it, What do you have to loose except all the trouble you are now having. This will increase your faith big time because it will give your faith to stand on reminding you that GOD helped you in this situation to grow your faith stronger.
Best regards,
K River
