Division in Affection

When beginning, you separate
the chaos, giving and creating
function to bring order to the
bedlam, bestowing purpose to
the purposeless.

And when beginning, you don’t
want to think of an ending, hoping
that what you create will outlast
any obstacle and any tribulation
that will come.

In sickness and in health, in
tribulation and suffering, you desire
growth and change, but not
alone but together with each other,
until death do us part,

but a snake wraps itself around
a tree, whispers sweet nothings
into her ear, and the only difference
between this and the first humans
is that I’m not with her listening too.

And though I am not without fault,
a knife protrudes from my kidney,
and she pushed me into the Valley
of the Shadow of Death, so now
my body is bruised and

broken, a tumble down a cliff side
composed of rocks, broken bits of
glass, sharp knives and swords,
so my skin becomes flayed, bloody
and torn while

she laughs from the top, enjoying
my suffering, never aware that she
has transformed into a snake
too, that she has been carved out,
and has become

a twisted, corrupted, hollow shell
of who she was, because the snake
has drained her of vitality, drained
her of herself and taken possession
of her being.

I’m getting help for myself now,
but she tied a noose around my
neck before pushing me off the narrow
mountain path, tied the other end
to the mountain,

so I’m still suffocating on the end
of her leash, gasping for air, trying
to escape but kept here in the fire
and the flames, the great furnace
of Nebuchadnezzar,

and I don’t know if there is an angel
with me in the hellish heat that
is searing off my skin, roasting
my muscles, and making my hollow
bones more brittle.

I never thought I would have to say goodbye.

I thought we would work together,
fight through any and every
adversity together, rise above our
predicament, talk through and talk out
all our problems;

and I know I didn’t make it easy,
my stubbornness sealing my mouth like
stitches sewing my vocal chords
silent, all my thoughts and emotions
sealed in a tomb,

but perhaps you didn’t help my
thoughts, my feelings, my emotions
escape the prison of my mind,
causing me to always feel like
I couldn’t say anything to you,

fearing you wouldn’t understand,
that you wouldn’t try to understand,
fearing you will ridicule and never
affirm me, fearing that I was a
monster who could never change—

I never thought I would have to say goodbye.

But I guess this is goodbye—
such a definite word, an infinite
word, an intimate word, but it
needs to be heard so I don’t keep
wondering why you betrayed me.

Not only did you stab me in the
back, you carved out my heart for
some sacrifice, and you tore our
covenant to shreds, and lit a bonfire
out of them for the ritual,

and all I can think is what made
you an alley cat scratching me,
digging deep with your nails and
flashing your teeth, backed into
a corner and

when it comes to decisions, it’s
him or me—but I hope he can fill
your need, because I am done—
you crossed a line too far and I
cannot wait for you

to come to your senses, to be
convicted and humbled by the presence
of your God, for you to answer His
questions, “Who told you you can
eat of the fruit?

What have you done?” while I ask
my own questions—who are you?
what have you become? what made
you give up on all of your ideals
and beliefs?

I deserve better than you.

I deserve someone who will respect
me, and respect the marriage, and
respect the covenant—someone who
will work on understanding my
vices and help me change.

I never thought I would have to say goodbye.

And now while I crawl through the Valley
of the Shadow of Death, I will fear no evil;
I will be healed, I will become better,
and I will not be held down; this noose
will not hold me.

I pull out the knife from my back, start 
working on the thick rope holding my throat,
try to get circulation into my brain
again, and as the rope gives way,
I say one word,

goodbye.

Tags: Anger, Depressing, Confused, Dark,