The Heart
The night and I understand one another
We both come alive when the sun goes to bed
While the rest of the world closes its eyes, we open ours
It’s freeing to feel the darkness of the night wrap around me
I feel protected by the covers it puts over the world
Like the monsters of the day can’t get to me
When I cry, the sheet that covers the world muffles the sounds
They can’t hear me now
They can’t see me now
They find me now
I’m alone
Finally
Tears streaming down my face like a river
Eyes stained red from the salty water that rushes out
Throat sore from the gasps of air the sobs bring
Physically I feel like a hole has been made in my chest
Like the place where my heart once sat, is now void
It’s a hollow feeling
So strange to know that a heart was once there in my chest
To know that before this moment, I felt so much
But now there is nothing to feel
How free it is to not have a heart
To not feel bound by emotions anymore
Why would the Tin Man ever wish to have one of those
Now I float like air through the night sky
There is nothing to anchor me to the floors I once felt constrained to
I can finally talk to the stars that used to hear me cry every night
They tell me about the things they see
The people they watch
They tell me that the most lucky ones, are the ones without a heart
Lucky? I have never been able to associate that word with myself
Until now
I am lucky
I have lost my heart and I am lucky
No longer trapped by something so trivial
No longer constrained by emotions
No longer cemented to my bathroom floor
For now, I soar high
We talk and laugh for hours, getting lost in that high
I watch the people with them, many like how I was before
There is one who captures my attention
She is different than the others
She is very cold, very lost
She sits in her tub, water filled up to her chest
Staring blankly at the wall, she is unphased by the tears filling the tub
There is a feeling of numbness that she emits
But I notice that she still has her heart
Why?
Why does she not give it up like I somehow did?
Why is she entrapping herself with these feelings?
I see her pain, but she chooses to bathe in it
She is holding something in her hand
I am too high up to clearly make out what it is
I float down a bit closer to see what this strange girl is doing
She has something grey and shiny in her hand
Flipping it around in between her fingers, her gaze has not left the wall
I am now outside her window
I stare into the glass
I see that what she has is very sharp
A blade of some sort
How very odd
What could she be doing with that in the bath?
I am suddenly filled with a cold, icy feeling
I am nervous
I sense that something bad is near
Her tears have stopped, her face like stone
Someone else walks into the room, but he does not have a face
He is darkness
He comes over to her and sits on the edge of the tub
He takes her hand, the one with the blade, and holds it
They sit there like that for awhile, I can see her struggle with a choice
Should she listen to him?
Should she ignore him?
Should she let him win this time?
He is strong
His thoughts very convincing
She nods
Together take the blade and the water turns red
He goes and leaves her to her bath
She drops the blade to floor and leans back against the tub
I fear for her, she’s beginning to lose consciousness
I want to help
I need to open this window
I shove and shove at the latch but it won’t move
Then I remember that I’m not really here, I am part of the stars
I float through her wall and I’m there with her
It is too late
Her eyes are closed
Lips parted
She looks so peaceful
But I suddenly realize that I recognize her
I know her
She is me
How is this possible?
I have been with the stars
I cried and gave up my heart for tonight
I was not here
Not this
I didn’t do this
I didn’t want this
I didn’t choose this
Is this what happened while I left myself?
I left my body and darkness came upon me
I couldn’t defend myself
He won
He finally won
He took my heart for good
I no longer have a heart
But I do not feel so lucky
I am not lucky
I am no longer free
I am gone
