always been a fool

when I was younger I was a 
fool 
and I wanted to be a fool 
back then 
I've always been good at being 
what I want to be 
for better or 
worse 
I just liked the concept of being a fool 
at the time 
arms outstretched 
eyes closed 
breathing deeply 
jumping in 
falling back blindly 
too reckless to look first 
for arms 
waiting 
on the other side 
and 
at that age 
I was right 
to want to be a fool 
It was fun to jump 
and 
It’s hard at that age 
to imagine the future 
even just a few seconds 
in the future 
hard to imagine there’s 
no one 
waiting there 
to stop you from hitting 
the 
bottom 

recently I ended a long 
adult 
live-in 
relationship 
she would have married me 
it’s still on my hands 
in my head 
at the bottom of my 
drinks 
but 
a little time passed 
and this new 
exciting 
thing happened 
so young 
old soul 
unreasonably attractive 
leaving the country 
soon 
moving on 
and i thought 
good 
the universe has me in its sights 
the retribution 
will be devastating and swift 
and i deserve it 
but 
then she jumped 
one night 
she jumped and I 
stood there 
looking down like i was watching 
a rerun 
of myself back then 
and I wanted to jump 
so badly 
but I guess I’m older now 
and 
the ups and downs 
level out 
over time 
fall into points 
on a line 
and I’m glad i didn’t 
jump 
I would have gotten my legs taken 
off 
or maybe 
I regret not leaping 
because i know 
I deserve to 
know 
the cold 
empty 
space 
where I expected her arms 
to be 
the lonely 
fall and 
hard 
landing 

I’m still such a fool in many ways 
I dance like a fool 
make terribly bad jokes 
that remind me of my dad 
like a fool 
write these lines to myself 
like a fool 
but i guess I’m just older now 
and my feet move a little slower 
now 
except when I'm dancing 
like a fool 
you know 
I know many people 
with sharp 
serrated 
sides 
pronounced peaks 
like jagged rocks 
cutting through 
white water rapids 
patterns of the same 
repeated erosion 
experience 
and i do envy them 
narrow 
specialized 
but 
well that’s not me 
I’m a 
well rounded guy 
and for me that's a good spot 
to be right now 
gather the clay first 
then 
trim it on the wheel

Tags: