A Hopeless Romantic and A Cynic Walked Into A Bar

An Unfortunately True Love Story

I believed in love before I could even speak
When I was growing up I was blessed to have a loving home where I saw love before I could 
even really see 

I believed in love before I could even comprehend
I would always watch TV as a child and on TV shows they teach you about what love looks like, what it should be like, and how it makes you happy. 

I believed in love before I went to Kindergarten
I’m pretty sure my first crush was on Aladdin, I was five but man he’s a hunk could you blame me?

I believed in love before I had to slowly start growing up
I didn’t play outside as a kid, I would stay on my parents’ bed, glued to the TV, watching Disney after Disney movie where everything ended in Happily Ever After and true love wins

I believed in love before I went to middle school
I had a few crushes and I saw all of my other friends have their elementary school boyfriends, but I knew for love you had to be older 

I believed in love before my “angsty teenager sexual hormones” hit
I saw my friends around me making out and sucking dicks left and right, while I sat there watching rom coms waiting for my meet cute of a lifetime.

I believed in love before I met you.
I started my journey as a filmmaker and was around a lot more cute guys with similar interests and thought there could be something there.

I believed in love before we became friends
You were just the freshman that was sitting in front of me at yearbook photos and needed a film buddy a year older than you.

I believed in love before I admitted my crush on you to myself
I had a dream where you asked me out on a date and I said yes, and when I woke up fro the dream I thought to myself “If that happened in real life, I would be down”

I believed in love before I even considered us even being a thing
There was a day where you were talking to some of your friends, and I went up to you and grabbed your hand as I said hello, and your friends asked if I was your girlfriend. 
And I didn’t mind it. 




I believed in love before I sorta asked you to prom
I asked because I needed a date and I only had a tiny crush on you at the time, but you said you  already had a date, going as friends with our mutual friend. She had a girlfriend so i didn't see it as a big deal


I believed in love before I went to junior prom
That was the first time I saw you with your girlfriend as a couple, and it didn't sting yet because I didn’t know you guys were gonna be serious.
But when John Legend’s “All of Me” came on I looked around me as everyone began to slow dance I realized how alone I was, and I went to the tables on the side and stuffed my face.

I believed in love before you became my best friend
We would spend every second we possibly could together, giggling like school girls over funny videos and memes. 
You would help me with my Spanish accent and attempted to make me understand what the fuck I was saying. 

I believed in love before I knew there were different types of love
We definitely loved each other as friends, but as time went on the line between friend love and real love began to blur. 

I believed in love before you lost 100 pounds
When you came back after summer looking totally different everyone was talking about how hot you were, and it made me realize I was way more physically attracted to you than before, even though I was always attracted to you from the start.

I believed in love before we started working together
No matter what jobs we were doing, we were always in sync, on the same wavelength, sometimes we didn't even need to communicate we knew each other that well. 

I believed in love before I realized you and you girlfriend were serious
You had your one year anniversary, she was in college but you still were making it work. And I mean could you blame me? She had just gotten out of a long term relationship with another girl?

I believed in love before I went to senior prom
I only saw you for two minutes. I wanted you to see how hard I tried to look beautiful and have you finally notice me as your true love like in the movies, but I still ended up dateless stuffing my face again but this time during “Thinking Out Loud”. 

I believed in love before i got into USC
You were my rock, I was a mess before I found out whether I got in and you kept me together and sane. I texted you mid-mental breakdown and you calmed me down and brought me Arnold Palmer the next day.

I believed in love before I committed to USC
You were one of the first five people to hear the news, I literally jumped into your arms when you hugged me in excitement, and you saw me cry. 
I never let anyone see my cry and you have a fucking selfie of my crying.

 I believed in love before I finished my senior year.
We were sitting on the bus on the way home from Warner Brothers, just sitting in silence with your arm around me, looking at dumb news stories on your phone, and it just felt right. There was this chemistry I couldn't deny. But the timing wasn't right. And I knew that.

I believed in love before we were alone in your car for the first time.
My friend was trying to flirt with you to make her boyfriend jealous, and you said that girls have to be very obvious in order for you to realize that they have interest in you. But you had one of your girlfriend’s shirts in the car, and you said you keep it around because you like to smell it to remind you of her. 


I believed in love before we went to the beach and had the crew bonfire.
There is a picture of us from that party, where you are looking into a camera but I’m looking at you, and I swear to god it looks like a screenshot out of a rom com the way I was looking at you.
All of my sister’s friends asked if you were my boyfriend, and my parents started asking what was going on between us at this point. 


I believed in love before I graduated. 
I got an extra ticket from someone so that you could come and be a part of a monumental moment in my life. 


I believed in love before our first “date”
We went to lunch and a movie, and during the movie I had my head on your shoulder the entire time, and you let me keep it there even though it was inconvenient to your popcorn-eating. My parents asked what your girlfriend thought of this, and I didn’t know. 

I believed in love before our second “date”
We were at Disneyland. It was the fireworks show. I wrapped my arms around you and you had your arm around me. I said that the show “gets me emotional and needed support” which you should’ve seen as an excuse to be close to you. 
But after the fireworks show and you were leaving you said you were going to this again with her sometime. And it stung.

I believed in love before I told you who my celebrity crushes were.
You didn't approve of any of them really, and said that you feel really “overprotective” of me with other guys.

I believed in love before you invited me on a trip to Spain and Rome.
You were there, and you texted that you were there “so you could be a good tour guide for us” next time, and those texts confused not only me but all of my friends. 

I believed in love before you texted me “I know you can’t be truly into him, I’ll always be your one true love” 
When I saw it my heart stopped, because for a second I believed it. You said it was a joke but my reaction to it made me realize I wasn’t into the other guy, I was still hung up on you. 


I believed in love before I started USC.
You said you wanted to spend my birthday with me so the next day you came up to school, which was my move in day, and we hung out. 

I believed in love before you admitted to me you were on a break with your girlfriend.
I realized all of our “dates” were in that time, and that I might actually have a chance with you. 

I believed in love before I drunk texted you.
In that moment, which is one that I regret most in my life, I told you I wanted to have sex with you, you said you would back, and that was that. 

I believed in love before you got back together with your girlfriend. 
That same week.
You knew my feelings for you, especially considering that I’ve never been with anyone and that sex with anyone.I thought you understood how monumental me saying that was. 

I believed in love before I saw the remains of her lipstick on your cheek when we met up at Disneyland, the day you told me you were back together. 
She said two words to me, we talked for maybe two minutes, and it is to this day one of the most uncomfortable things I have ever experienced.

I believed in love before I was drunk around you for the first time.
I literally threw myself at you, saying “I’m down for anything but sex”. But you did nothing. 

I believed in love before we slept in the same room.
You were in my roommates bed when she was at home, and I found out that you snore. It was loud and annoying as fuck, but for some reason I didn’t mind. 

I believed in love before you started sending “I miss you texts”
You wrote about how much you missed spending every day with me, and that life wasn’t the same without me being a large part of it. These aren't things you say to just any old friend. 

I believed in love before our weekly phone calls. 
Every week, sometimes even twice a week, we would talk on the phone for what seems like hours about our lives. And it was good. 

Until November 10th.

I stopped believing in love when you shattered my heart.
By telling me you were fucking another girl (who had a boyfriend) during a time you were on a break over summer with your girlfriend.

I stopped believing in love when I realized for over nine months I let myself be in a situation where I was a second class citizen, where I let myself believe that if you were to break up with her you would be with me next. 

I stopped believing in love when I realized you didn't see me that way at all.
that I was so deep in the friend zone I was lost in your eyes as somewhere between an emotion connection and your best friend. 

I stopped believing in love when I sat for an hour and a half crying listening to Chasing Pavements by Adele because I couldn't believe that you hurt me this way

I stopped believing in love when you kept texting me when I finally cut off communication from you,
asking if I was alive, and if I was ignoring you, or what you did wrong.

I stopped believing in love when I called you and finally told you that I was ignoring you because I was moving on and couldn't emotionally handle being your friend and mentally breaking up with you,

Mentally breaking up with a boyfriend I didn't ever really have. 
Hearing you hold back tears on the other end, completely blindsided, wanting to know what to do to help. 
When you were the problem.

I stopped believing in love when I couldn't go two weeks without talking to you and we started talking again, and more often.

I stopped believing in love when my friends and family made me realize how you treated me like shit
you dragged me and my emotions around for almost a year and your excuse at the end of it all was “I had a girlfriend, you knew I was unavailable”

I stopped believing in love because when I was with you I never knew if I wanted to hug you or punch you. 

I stopped believing in love after The Bachelor finale
Because I used to talk about the show all the time with you, and it was between the pretty blonde girl and the “best friend” and he picked the blonde girl.
You did the same, not only when I asked you which one you liked better on the show but in my made up analogy of how that related to us.

I stopped believing in love before my first boyfriend
Because you have added so much emotional baggage, and trust issues, and you make me question
every 
single 
word
any guy says to me because with you, I never knew their meaning. 

 I stopped believing in love when I watched Sex and the City and realized I was Carrie, you were Big, and I just kept on coming back to you emotionally. 

I stopped believing in love when I saw the finale when *spoiler* they say I love you and that they are the one to each other.

I gave up on love when I realized I loved you. 

I gave up on love when I realized you were toxic
, a drug I was addicted to, and that I needed to stop talking to you because I didn’t want to end up in a toxic relationship like Carrie did with Big.

I gave up on love when I found out it wasn’t what I was taught
I thought love was supposed to be mutual, your first love is one where you are both in a both physical and emotional relationship with one another and you both love each other.

I gave up on love when I finally realized all those movies and tv shows I watched as a child were feeding me romantic bullshit that never happens in real life.

I gave up on love when I tried moving on.
I went to parties. 
I got tinder
I got bumble. 
I talked to guys that I was attracted to.
But it wasn't what I wanted because deep down I still love you. 


I gave up on love when I realized my first love was my best friend who had a girlfriend, and you took that true first love away from me. 

I gave up love because with every other guy now when they ask about my last relationship I have to ask them to define relationship. 

Because we had one.
It was just fucked up. 

I gave up on love before I even lost my virginity. 
Because i was waiting for some great love to come along that would be worth losing it to, but now I’m wondering if there even is such a thing

I gave up on love before even had my first kiss. 
Because Im 18 years old and at this point I want it to be amazing
but it won’t be
because I always imagined my first kiss being you. 

I started to question everything I knew about  love when my mom told me you never really stop loving someone, 
and that now every time I see you there is going to be a sting to that old wound.

Now I see you all the time, because we are going to go to the same school.

Part of me wants to escape you forever.

But I never could because I care about you as a friend so much.

So I may love you still.

But if you ever try to be with me with all of my strength I will refuse.

Because I can’t get hooked on you again.  

But who knows,

I still think about us on the bus, and how I hope my gut feeling that we were meant to be together will eventually come true. 

I mean, 
Carrie and Big did end up together and happy in the end. 

 

Tags: love, humor, confused, pain, fear,