Delve into my mind
Damn my thoughts have started to change. Why the fuck can't the serotonin levels in my brain just remain the fucking same.
I mean these thoughts plague me. Make me question every action and curl up into a ball, fuck I could really use a distraction; a friend I could call who knows how to help and take action.
Wouldn't it be nice to have someone tell you everything is going to be alright and for it to actually happen.
I'm like an air mattress with a pin prick in it soon I won't be able to carry any weight with in me, it's like my brain is slowly deflating and I'm constantly debating with myself if it is worth seeking help but I'm second guessing every fibre of myself, keep on saying this is just the fucking hand I was dealt and the fucking dealer needs a bullet in their brain because every time this happens I never feel the same and there seems to be know way I can stop the pain. It's not like I can just bandage it and it will go away, no medication nor lacerations can fix the indentations that have left their marks upon my soul, so as the days go by I continue to grow cold. But I take this life day to day constantly looking over my shoulder second guessing every move I will ever make in hopes that I can anticipate the turn and make an early start on the debate and catch it, before it's to late to get away from the ugly hand of fate, to go the other way to let my soul know everything will be ok, make myself understand that the end is not today, that the fear is decades to early that this feeling will go away. I'm mean I'm not even thirty yet inside and out I'm already hurting fuck this shits concerning, I'm constantly looking for a silver lining before I end up at the gates that look pearly so I will continue rhyming to myself just to try reminding myself that no matter what happens, you've done everything you can..... surely?
Maybe one day I will stop second guessing myself and will get out there and find someone that can help but I guess I'm just lonely and wanting someone to make my heart melt. Because when I'm alone it's just me, my thoughts and I trying to make it through the cloudy sky. I've had moments where someone has made me smile, even if it was for a little while.
This is not a cry for help by any means more the words of a miss matched twenty something who wants to let others know they aren't alone, they aren't the only people with minds that like to roam onto the darker side the cerebrum and can't control every emotion from which is felt. It's not just you or me with these crooked cards that were dealt and that you can speak up and ask someone for help. All I ask is that you please do it before it's to late, before you meet an early fate, before the chemical imbalance in your brain finally makes you go insane just please never let yourself refrain from asking someone to keep an eye on you when you are metaphorically "beside yourself" maybe just maybe they can give you a trump card to soften the hand you were dealt.
