Depression is a cold dark hole part two
I can still remember badly shaking in my college class that was about business communications. When I was still trying to enter into the clerical field as a file clerk. But my teacher also noticed it and asked me if I was alright and if anything was wrong. I reassured her falsely that there wasn't.
At first I thought it was by mere chance or mere consequences that I somehow found a paper back book all about the symptoms of what used to be called manic depression but is know called a bio-polar psychological mental disorder.
When I read about the part about shaking and other prevalent symptoms that were already manifesting. All about the early symptoms of manic depression--it didn't take too much--for me to be able to recognize them.
According the book, which I most likely no longer have, those symptoms were only curable during the earlier preliminary phases of this disorder. But if they continue to progress, become worse and intensify, there was neither any workable cure nor remedy for them.
I told my mother, who is now deceased, and is inside the kingdom of heaven awaiting my own arrival there: The book I never finished reading and my symptoms that she already was aware of.
And she wanted me to quit going to college but later on I went back there anyway.
"For once in my life, mom I want to be able to finish something that I had started!"
No, I wasn't thinking about my mother, I was only thinking about myself, to tell the truth I was very much self adsorbed. And everybody who knew me also knew it. Which is another reason:
"Roxanne, you don't make friends easy and when you do, you don't keep them long. Roxanne, you really don't know how to be a friend..." How many times was I told that? More than I care to remember.
We both prayed and it was Jesus Christ who took those symptoms away and they never returned again.
We both had nightmares that we were trapped in school with no way out! The nightmares stopped when I wasn't in college but they started up again when I went back there.
Did I eventually graduate from community college? Yes, I did I took my last class of environmental science in 1992 but didn't graduate with my class. I didn't graduate until 2001. During the 1990's I was hospitalized for brief periods of time in: 1993, 1994, 1996 and 1998.
When I thought about going back there I discovered that I had enough credits for three Associate degrees=one Bachelor degree due to my number of credits. But I ended up with an AGS non transferable degree--Associates of General Studies.
The good Lord knew how much my family and I suffered going to college all of those long hard years. But it was a good thing that I did because I found out that they no longer let people with my active symptoms go to college. They are allowed to get their GED's though.
And He knew I would never survive a four year college and He blocked and closed that pathway several times!
When I saw the look on my former instructor's faces when it told them,"I am back again."
They looked very disturbed indeed. Latter on I told them,"Relax, I am just here to get my AGS degree and afterwards I promise you, you will never see me again. So you might as well smile at that thought."
I finished the course but didn't return back to college right away. I told my mother about my symptoms that my classmates already knew about my shaking and bodily trembling not just my former teacher. As I discovered latter on by a man named Richard, who was taking the class with me. He eventually ended going to a university and after we said our final goodbyes, I never saw him again.
He was just another former friend in a long line of former friends who told me, "I have wasted enough time on you."
Thus solidifying the notions that both the Christian and the secular world negatively reinforced in me: hanging out with me was just a waste of time because I really didn't belong anywhere!
Recently I told that to a friend named Walter at a function that my friend Mary took me too.
"I don't belong here, I don't belong anywhere." I claimed.
"Roxanne, you have probably been told that the vast majority of your life. But you do belong here after all".
He is in Bethany and doing fine in their rehabilitation center. And I am requesting prayer on his behalf also for his salvation.
All of my love in Christ Jesus!
Roxanne Lea Dubarry
Roxy Lea 1954/October Country
October 18, 2025
