I'll let you decide

I've always told myself it's weak needing other people. because it's much easier to believe if I can truly count on someone, then it's myself. I never really understood the need for human contact.. for everyone else it was normal but for me.. it was alien. Nothing repulsed me more than the idea of getting touched by others  but that's because I repulsed myself, so the idea that maybe, just for a second.. someone could appreciate me was ludicrous. I'm not good at many things but one thing we can all agree on is that I know how to hurt people.  I would invite them in to get to know me with my fake over confident personality.. and carefully plan my every move on them, then when they got comfortable enough around me I would gather information about them, as much as I could.. and use it against them without them knowing. I thrived from their weaknesses and boy did I play on it. I act so innocent and helpless.. make out I need you but carefully make you need me all along.. after the endless night conversation and perfect image I created I'd rip it all apart.. because I enjoyed it. I get a kick out of people becoming reliant on me. I don't need anyone, so I tell myself. But deep down I know its me who needs someone most. 
I'm poison to myself. But I just can't do it, I can't let myself get close. What was I really scared of? Some believe love is the key to true happiness but true happiness never lasts. We all leave the world alone why not just get a head start now.. maybe I have a really fucked up view on love but at least I can never miss something I didn't have. And for me I find comfort in that.  

Tags: Sad, Confused, Dark, Deep,